How to take care of yourself when your world is crumbling.
Grief can be devastating. Even when you’re prepared to lose someone, it’s still a shock. The ground beneath you gives way and you’re left feeling like the very fabric of your being is falling apart — like everything you once thought was comfortable and familiar is out of reach.
The world looks different now than it did before.
But grief can also teach us something — out of the burning embers of loss rises humility. Grief shows us how to put our ego aside and let go of superficial thoughts and insignificant frustrations. Each breath seems to bring us closer to what really matters — family, friendship, self-love. And some days, it’s all about “one breath at a time” because we cannot get past the thought of a whole day with the weight of our loss and that’s okay.
Taking extra care of yourself in times of grief can provide ease and comfort. Self-love can lighten your heart. Because here’s the thing: it’s only when you learn to embrace your vulnerability and burdens that you can find yourself and learn to live again.
The following are five ways to treat yourself with love and kindness while you’re grieving. May they bring you some peace, relief, and healing.
1. Be gentle with yourself
Sometimes grief can make you feel weak. Maybe you can’t stop crying or you’re struggling to keep up with your normal routine. Perhaps it’s difficult to “move on” or be present with your friends and family. Whatever the case, it’s natural to feel frustrated, angry, sad, or disappointed because you can’t operate normally.
But while you’re grieving it’s important to remember to be gentle with yourself. Don’t beat yourself up because you don’t feel like attending social outings or responding to messages right away. You don’t ever need to be perfect and especially not after experiencing loss.
Give yourself permission to ask for help, to postpone events, and slow down your normal routine. Self-love means honoring your feelings and being okay with saying ‘no’ when you need to say it without even thinking twice about it.
2. Be forgiving
Grief is messy. When you’re deep in the thick of it, you might say or do things that you wouldn’t normally do. You might push people away, stop showing interest, or make no effort at things like “small talk.” After all, how could you possibly talk about something so trivial like the weather or the traffic when you’ve just lost someone so important to you?
It’s natural to feel guilty about this. But, carrying around shame, self-criticism, or guilt isn’t serving anyone. Lighten your load by working towards forgiveness. You’re carrying enough. Forgive yourself for being human, making mistakes, or hurting people. Grief can make us do all sorts of things we’re not proud of and that’s okay! Being kind to yourself means letting go of your negative thoughts and replacing them with compassion. Sometimes we go through our motions “one step at a time,” and that’s all we can and should do and that’s just fine. You don’t have to do everything at once.
There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love.
— Washington Irving
3. Follow the wisdom of your body
When you’re grieving even the most basic tasks and daily functions can seem challenging. Some people struggle to cook healthy meals, exercise, sleep, spend time outdoors, or even get out of bed. Being kind to yourself means listening to your body and asking your friends and family for support.
If you need rest, give yourself permission to pay for a meal subscription service or a housekeeper. Send your laundry to the dry cleaners. Enlist a gardener, babysitter, or home personal trainer if you need it. Ask your boss if you can work from home temporarily. Accept offers of home-cooked meals. Listen to your body and don’t push yourself to do things if you’re not ready yet. It’s okay to ask for help! Remember, moving forward is only done “one step a time” so wherever that step is, take it and just be.
4. Do things that soothe your soul
After losing a loved one, it’s important to gently support your overall well-being and mental health. Try and get outside to enjoy the sunshine, even if you feel dark and stormy inside. Draw yourself warm baths in the evening and treat yourself to dinner at your favorite restaurant, even if you feel empty instead of lush and sumptuous.
Comfort can be found in the simplest places — a cozy pair of socks, a good book, music, movies, a cup of tea, BKTY cards, cuddles with your dog. Make an effort to do things that soothe your soul and make you feel nourished. Make self-love a daily practice one breath at a time, one step at a time, one day at a time... until the days blur into weeks and the weeks turn into months, and you start to feel better again.
Grief is a force of energy that cannot be controlled or predicted. It comes and goes on its own schedule. Grief does not obey your plans, or your wishes. Grief will do whatever it wants to you, whenever it wants to. In that regard, Grief has a lot in common with Love.
— Elizabeth Gilbert
5. Share your emotions
It’s natural to not want to burden your loved ones with your grief. So you might initially feel like holding your feelings inside. But talking about your loss can bring you great peace and happiness. Just because your loved one is gone doesn’t mean you have to stop talking about them or remembering the memories you shared!
Self-love means leaning into that space in your heart that they used to occupy and honoring them with your words and actions. Share stories with your friends and family or look at pictures and videos together. Find a grief therapist and talk about your loss. You are not alone!
Want to learn more ways to boost your self-love? Check out our BKTY philosophy or follow us on Instagram for more reminders, tips, insights and inspiration!
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